Kate from marketing sure was happy. Jack thought that must have something to do with her perfectly sculpted black hair that was longer on one side. “It shows how creative she is,” Jack had explained to Sally from IT when she’d asked why Kate hadn’t yelled at her hairdresser.  Now Jack wasn’t so sure, as he sat in Kate’s office trying not to stare at her intentionally, unintentional hair.

“So Jack,” said Kate. “We need to get your corporate bio completed.” She reached into a drawer and pulled out an insanely thin black leather folio which, when opened, revealed plain white paper and a drawing pencil. She started sketching, almost absentmindedly.

“What’s a corporate bio?” Asked Jack, tilting his head slightly to even her hair up.

Kate was concentrating on her drawing. “It’s an honest and authentic description of you. We’ll put it on our website and you can use it on your LinkedIn profile.”

Jack nodded slowly. “So… are you going to draw it?”

Kate giggled. “No, this is just to get my creative juices flowing, it’s something we creatives like to do to align our left and right brain hemispheres.”

“Hemispheres,” said Jack, for lack of anything else to say. “That’s a funny word.”

“So Jack, what does your LinkedIn profile look like at the moment?”

“It’s pretty great,” said Jack. “There’s a picture of me covered in egg, you know, after an egg fight. And then there’s a few lines about how awesome I am and then I think there’s some job things.”

Kate had turned to her computer and looked up Jack’s profile. “Jack, this is not very professional. Firstly, you need a corporate photo, wearing a tie with your hair done and preferably with the corporate logo in the background.”

“Egg?”

“No egg. And your profile description doesn’t explain what you do it all. It says that you ‘like hanging out with your friends and simply go to work in order to buy junk that you don’t really need, and also food, which you need to live.’”

“Yeah, that’s what I do.”

Kate looked at Jack sternly, her Gucci glasses balancing on the tip of her nose. “This isn’t good enough. We need to make it far more professional and remove the part that talks about your part-time job as a camel farmer. Is that even real?”

“My profile is partly as aspirational piece.”

“It’s a lie. Now, tell me about your greatest strength.” Kate leaned back in her chair and closed her eyes, her hands resting under her chin.

“Should I come back after your snooze? It must be nice to have an office, I have to sleep in the toilet with my head resting on the paper dispenser.”

“I’m not snoozing Jack, I’m focusing. Now tell me your greatest strength.”

“Well, I don’t like to brag, but I once ate an entire Big Mac in two bites.”

“I mean at work Jack, strengths related to work.”

“It was at work, I did it yesterday at my desk, so it’s recent which adds credibility.”

Kate’s eyes were open and she looked confused. “Jack the purpose of this is to portray an authentic and meaningful image of you to the world.”

Jack nodded.

“In the best possible light.”

“Oh, I see, you want me to lie. Well let’s do it in the third person even though everyone knows that I wrote it myself and make it sounds like everyone else’s so that I blend in – ‘ Jack is a proactive and effective professional with diverse and meaningful experience including a range of complex projects and initiatives. As part of his ongoing personal and professional development, he constantly works to up-skill himself in cutting-edge technologies and engage with thought leaders in relation to industry best practice.’ Then for the picture, grab a shot from someone’s wedding, or the races, you know somewhere where I’m all dressed up and we’re done.”

Jack stood up.

“That’s good Jack,” Kate was typing. I’ll add all that to the company website, if you could update your LinkedIn and send me that photo.”

“Sounds great Kate, and to continue being authentic, I’ve enjoyed our time together and you add tremendous value to this business.”

“Well thank you.”

“You are so welcome.” Jack closed the door behind him.